Escaflowne Funnies
by MadamWriterGal
Summary: As much as I love Escaflowne, there are a few scenes where you know the characters are thinking something weird based on their expression or lack of expression . I decided to poke fun at this in this fan fiction. I hope you enjoy it.


Funny Things the Escaflowne Characters Are Thinking

Author's Note: All of the things that the characters say in this fan fiction are taken straight from the show. (With some creative liberties taken where the English and Japanese translations do not agree.) The things that the characters are thinking are the pieces of the fan fiction I have made up for comical relief. The scenes are taken straight from the show as well, though I might describe them in a funny way to add to the comical relief of the story. This story has SPOILERS so if you have not watched the show in its entirety do not blame me if something is given away. I claim no responsibility since you've been warned. With that said I hope you enjoy my fan fiction and it makes you laugh.

-This scene takes place at the energist mine where Van blows up the main energist supply (with the help of Merle and Hitomi). This starts a chain reaction that breaks up the earth and in turn sends Hitomi plummeting to her certain doom. Van jumps off his Escaflowne to save her, sprouts wings and catches her before she meets a grim death on the rocks below. Hitomi sees Van's wings and is astonished when she realizes that he is the boy she has been having visions about all this time.-

Hitomi Says: Van, You…you're an angel!

Van Thinks: Yeah and you're not too bad yourself, baby. How about after this whole ordeal you come over to my place and you give me some sugar. Growl.

-This scene takes place on a Zaibach floating fortress where dilly is sitting in a chair that looks oddly like it was taken out of a Lord of the Rings movie. He is feeling very sorry for himself when Folken shows up to tell him about Zaibach's sinister new plan.-

Dilandau Says: My face, he hurt my beautiful face!

Folken Thinks: Oh chill out, Dilly. You're face wasn't all that attractive to begin with so stop complaining. Sheesh. I mean those bloodthirsty eyes aren't winning too many fan girls over and that pale skin is a little sickening to look at. Oh and don't even get me started on that ghostly-white mop of hair growing out of your head. That isn't doing much for your appearance either, I'm sorry to say. If I were you I'd get a fashion consultant or something before complaining about the scar on your cheek. That thing actually adds some color to your pasty complexion. Really, the things some people do to get attention. What a baby.

-This scene takes place at the Zaibach energist mine. While Van is stirring up trouble for the energist mine workers with his Escaflowne, Hitomi and Merle find a rather strange way of keeping themselves entertained.-

Hitomi Says: Now what should we do?

Merle Says: Hey look! Giggles.

-Merle pulls off the lizard's tail. The two stare at the tail moving on its own for a while. A guard comes up behind them and stares at the tail in fascination.-

The Random Guard Thinks: I don't know why I am staring at this thing instead of capturing the prisoners but it'd like crack man…like crack! Yep, ten seconds have passed and I am still staring at it.

-This scene takes place at Allen's fortress where he is keeping Van and Hitomi as friendly captives to protect them from the Zaibach Empire. When interrogating them on his personal quarter's balcony he learns that Hitomi is a resident of the mystic moon but he just can't seem to accept that fact no matter how many times Van tries to explain it to him.-

Allen Says: Wait so you're telling me that this girl comes from the Mystic Moon?

Van Thinks: I've just said that twelve times you moron. Do you want me to say it again? I guess that just because you are a bishonnen it doesn't make you the brightest crayon in the box.

-This scene takes place outside of the kingdom of Asturia where Allen, Hitomi, Merle, Van and The Members of The Crusade land their skiff safely on the outskirts of the country's border. After landing their aircraft they are greeted by princess Millerna who welcomes all of the crew members to her kingdom. She gives Allen a horse to deliver an urgent message to her father on and then sets to work acting like the princess she is.-

Millerna Says: You, handmaiden; please carry our things.

Hitomi Says: What…you mean me?

Millerna Says: That's right.

Van Says: Wait she's not a handmaiden; she's with me.

Millerna Says: She's with you?

Merle Says: No she with Allen!

Millerna Says: She's with Allen? Oh I am so sorry. I just saw those clothes and I assumed…

Hitomi Thinks: Assumed what? That I was some palace servant? You've got some nerve judging me on the way I look with the slutty way YOU dress. I'm from the mystic moon and even I know that those ridding pants you wear are WAY too tight. And what's with that revealing shirt? You're showing more cleavage than a Vegas showgirl. Are you a princess or a stripper? It's a good thing Van doesn't care about things like that. Erm...not that I really care what Van thinks. I'm just saying.

-This scene takes place inside the Zaibach floating fortress where Van is being held prisoner by his brother Folken. When he learns the horrible truth; that his brother was the man responsible for burning his kingdom of Fanelia to the ground, Van asks Folken why he has become a soldier of the Zaibach Empire.-

Van Says: Why did you join Zaibach, Folken? Why have you become our Enemy?

Folken Says: Evil Laugh.

Van Says: Why are you laughing, brother?

Folken Thinks: Oh no reason, Van. I was just remembering the time when you were six years old and you ran around the palace courtyard without your clothes on. Hitomi would have a field day if she knew about that.

-This scene takes place in a millhouse within the borders of Asturia where Van tries to cheer Hitomi up with a rather unusual fruit called a Piscus. After they've enjoyed their meal and talked things out a bit Van sets to work tuning up his Escaflowne. While trying to gets the nicks out of his guymelef's sword, Van attempts to tell Hitomi how he really feels about her.-

Van Says: Hitomi I...

Hitomi Says: What is it Van?

Van Says: I want…

Hitomi Says: Yes?

Van Says: I want you stay with me.

Hitomi Says: Huh?

Van Says: I want you to stay with me from now on, that is.

Hitomi Says: Van…what are you trying to say?

Van Says: I want YOU.

Hitomi Says: Gasp.

Van Says: I mean…what I mean to say is…

Hitomi Says: Yes Van?

Van Says: I want…your power.

Hitomi Thinks: You want my power? What kind of weird thing is that to say? Do you honestly think that I am some kind of battery that you can suck the energy out of? I'm a psychic, not a light bulb. Or are you just that bad at pickup lines? Well I suggest that you work on your material, Van. Hang out with Dryden for a while. I'm sure you will learn all sorts of cheesy things to say from him. I'm getting out of here. Oh but before I leave, this is what you get for coming onto me…or putting me on the same level as the energizer bunny…either way you are going to get it!

-Hitomi slaps Van and leaves.-

Van Thinks: I guess I deserved that. I've really got to find a better way to tell Hitomi that I love her. I wonder if Allen would let me borrow that "1001 Ways to Pick Up On a Chick" book he's always reading?

-This scene takes place outside of the Asturia marketplace where Van originally decides to go on an outing with Millerna, Hitomi and Merle. When he sees his brother, his plans change and he chases Folken to the Mefing Bridge where he begins to question him on why he joined the Zaibach Empire. After learning of Folken's true intentions Van stares at him in anger as Folken tries to persuade him to join his side.-

Folken Says: Van, come with me. Together we will make a better Gaea free of all war.

Van Says: Brother…

Folken Thinks: That's right, Van. Come to the dark side. It has cookies.

-This scene takes place on top of the millhouse where Van stores his Escaflowne in Asturia when it is not in use. He is looking up at the Mystic Moon with sadness in his eyes when Merle crawls on the roof and sits beside him.-

Merle Says: You're thinking of her. You're thinking of Hitomi, aren't you lord Van?

Van Says: I am not.

Merle Says: That's a lie! I've always been by your side lord Van. I know you better than anyone. You're thinking of her.

Van Says: …

Merle Says: You love Hitomi, don't you lord Van?

Van Says: …

Merle Says: You haven't figured out how you really feel yet have you, lord Van? The truth is that I have known for a very long time.

Van Says: …

Merle Thinks: You are in some serious denial, boy. You'll never admit it but I know that you want that girl something awful. It's obvious by the way you get that goofy expression on your face every time she talks to you. I thought that you were going to have a heart attack when she came into the palace dining room in that dress when we were staying in Asturia. You always run off to save her with that weird lovey dovey gaze in your eyes. How could you NOT like her? You're so caught up in your warrior's pride that you don't even realize how much you care. Even ALLEN knows you love Hitomi for Pete's sake! In fact, all of Asturia, Fried, Basram, Zaibach…no pretty much the whole world knows that you love Hitomi and you STILL can't figure it out. How dense can you get? And you think ALLEN'S not too bright. Sheesh.

-This scene takes place after the Ispano fix Van's Escaflowne and then start to leave the area to return to their own dimension. Dilandau shows up with his Dragon Slayers and laughs curtly at what he sees.-

Dilandau Says: You sure picked a subtle place to run, Van.

Random Dragon Slayer Thinks: Subtle? Oh sure, right; subtle. If you mean by "subtle" a giant spaceship the size of a small country is above them with big flashing lights making their location even more obvious, then sure, ok. It's subtle. Heh. Subtle my ass.

-This scene takes place when the Crusade flies toward the area where Van is fighting Dilandau and his Dragon Slayers outside of the borders of Freid. Lightning flashes across the sky and two strange creatures look up at the ship as it makes its way toward them.-

Mole Number One Says: Eh Gads it's lightening! We better run inside our tunnel!

Mole Number Two Says: Good idea!

-The two moles run inside their little cave as the crusade flies by.-

Mole Number One Thinks: Hey wait a minute; why are we wearing vests anyway? I guess the animators got lazy again. First the big noses and now this? I'm calling my agent.

-This scene takes place when Van starts killing off all of Dilly's men with a psychotic gleam in his eyes. Dilandau witnesses his men's guymelefs burst into flames one after another and begins to shake uncontrollably.-

Dilandau Says: What's going on? He's going crazy!

Van Thinks: Yeah you should talk. I'd say you are a few tacos short of a combo plate yourself, friend.

Random Dragon Slayer Number One Thinks: Well you know you are crazy when a crazy person is afraid of you.

Random Dragon Slayer Number Two Thinks: You can't lose what you never had. Heh.

-This scene takes place after everyone returns from the Mystic Valley and Van, Allen, and Hitomi are transported to the heart of the Zaibach Empire Via pillar of light. Not quite sure where they have ended up, the three start looking around, hoping to get some answers to where they are.-

Allen Says: Where are we?

Hitomi Says: It's like we're in some big building!

Allen Thinks: Well I could have told you that.

-The ground starts to shake.-

Van Says: Now what's going on?

Hitomi Says: The floor is moving!

Van Thinks: Hitomi, as much as I love you I have admit that sometimes you sure are the queen of pointing out the obvious.

-This scene takes place in the Zaibach Empire where Allen, Van, and Hitomi finally meet the man who has been pulling all of the strings behind the war; Emperor Dornkirk. Hitomi realizes that Dornkirk has a connection with Allen's father and questions him on his true identity before he came to be on Gaea.-

Hitomi Says: Wait…are you Isaac?

Dornkirk Says: Yes, that is the name I once used on Earth.

Hitomi Thinks: That name sure sounds familiar. Wasn't there a scientist I learned about in my history class called Isaac Newton who had a mysterious death, messed around with alchemy, and had a past eerily similar to his? Hmm. On second thought…now way; it couldn't be. That would just be too ironic.

Dornkirk Says: A long time ago I realized that there was a force that drew all heavenly bodies together. I discovered that this force was gravity.

Hitomi Thinks: Holy crab cakes; this wacko IS Isaac Newton! My history teacher is never going to believe THIS…!

-This scene takes place in the Zaibach Empire after the Atlantis Machine has been activated and the whole world has been thrown into chaos. Hitomi waits eagerly for Van to save her but Dornkirk only sneers.-

Dornkirk Says: Once the Atlantis Machine is activated it cannot be stopped!

-Van crashes through the Atlantis Machine breaking it into a thousand tiny pieces.-

Hitomi Thinks: Well it sure looks like it was stopped to me. I hope that thing came with a warrantee or something. Heh.

-This scene takes place at the harbor near Hitomi's school where she is waiting to catch a glimpse of Van before she goes to her evening class. A group of her classmates are huddled around each other sharing the latest gossip from around the school. One of the girl's notices her and asks her for a favor.-

Random Schoolgirl Number One Says: Hey Hitomi, can you read my fortune for me?

Random Schoolgirl Number Two Says: Yeah I want to know if Asano will ask her out!

Hitomi Says: I gave up fortune telling. Sorry girls!

Random Schoolgirl Number One: Oh! How come??

Hitomi Thinks: Gee, I don't know. Only because the last time I did a tarot reading I almost brought about the end of all existence on an alternate world. But it's no big deal, really. They don't pay me enough to be a psychic. I'm getting into the acting biz. Just as long as none of the characters I play are sucked into another world, I think I'll do fine. See you girls in Hollywood!

-This scene takes place after Van and Hitomi share a tender moment and a pillar of light arrives to send her back to the Mystic moon. Hitomi tearfully stares into Van's eyes and finally lets him know her true feelings as she makes her way back to Earth and her old way of life.-

Hitomi Says: Van, I will never forget you, even when I'm old!

-Hitomi gets transported back to earth via pillar light where she returns to her mundane life as a high school student.-

Van Thinks: Oh great; so I get to be lonely with a kingdom in ruins, no brother, hardly any friends, and my girlfriend on another planet? That tares it! This is the last time I act on a depressing show like this. I'm talking to my agent about getting a better gig where I actually get the girl. I'm blowing this Popsicle Stand. See you fools around.

-The End! (Or is it?)


End file.
